For me, this is a time of change, of transformation into a woman I want to be. To get there, one of the things I have been doing is cleaning up my emotional closet. I blogged about my shame of being Croatian in my last blog (Shame), but this is not all that’s in that closet, of course.
For weeks, I have been releasing fear of all sorts, realizing how many of my actions are actually driven by fear instead of love. I took a huge step when I started to release guilt – guilt of being a woman, of being healthy, relatively well off, you name it. I have been working on letting go of my shame of being a member of Homo Sapiens. Every day I surrender a portion of my resistance to complete happiness, love, and health.
Lately, oh dear, I have been dealing with self-hatred. The last one has been particularly daunting, which I take as a clear sign that I am getting very close to shattering my old emotional patterns. But fuck it, it’s hard, and it’s gonna get harder.
I woke up this morning from a recurring dream, in which I cheat on my husband, then something bad happens (in today’s case a war broke out), then I cannot get my husband back (in today’s case because the movement of the troops has cut us off and I am on the road running from the enemy). Recently, I had another recurring dream three times in one night. This is the dream in which I am being chased. I realized I was running from an aspect of myself – the one that constantly criticizes me. This morning, I realized that I am also running away from my guilty self. Thank you subconscious!
The fact is that I have actually cheated on my husband many, many years ago (and before that on my boyfriend – yikes, what a cheat I am!). I went on a trip and, hungry for attention, which would increase my self-worth, I fell for a dude who as girl I imagined would never have paid attention to me (it wasn’t until much later that I realized why I did it). We had an affair, which I promptly confessed to my husband when I got back home. How my husband and I survived as a couple is a story for another time, but what I can say now is that it was mostly due to an immense emotional maturity on my husband’s part.
Now, go ahead….
I would. I have and I still am! Ridden by guilt, shame, and remorse I have unconsciously been punishing myself all this time. Talking about resistance to complete love, health, joy!
So what’s so special about today and why am I writing about this now? Well, today is the day when I surrender to the feelings of guilt, shame, and remorse for having cheated on my husband.
This morning I cried while shaking violently. My stomach convulsed for a long time vomiting the stale, negative energy.
At some point during all this I realized I needed to forgive myself. I am working on forgiving Croatians and the human species. Why not me? Can I forgive myself? I am not sure. Resistance to this is immense.
I found a meditation in which one invites the person they want to forgive into their heart. I recoiled from the thought of me in my heart. I was rejected. My chest tightened. My belly burnt. My lower back hurt. I stayed with the physical feeling of all this accumulated energy of emotions. After a while, these sensations abated, and I invited myself into my heart again. This time, I was allowed to enter but was spat out almost instantly: Stay out you dirty whore!
Gosh, where is this language coming from, I wondered. Then a surprising thought: I need to tell the world. I need to tell you, my dear readers, my friends, my family.
Oh my God, I cannot do that! The society will judge me, but I am in the front row throwing rotten vegetables at myself:
Nobody will ever want to read what you write. Everybody will know your dirty little secret. Just because you admitted it, wrote about it, meditated on it, suffered through painful emotions, or whatever doesn’t mean it’s all great now. (I promptly agree, it’s not great). Why should you get better? You should suffer for the rest of your miserable life! What you’ve done is despicable and cannot be forgiven!
Maybe you are there with me throwing the rotten vegetables. Maybe you are not. Here is the important part. I look for nothing from you. This is a confession I give to you to do with it whatever you feel you need to do. I have to tell the truth for isn’t this the first step towards healing and recovery in all aspects of life?
I have made a mistake, but I will not spend the rest of my life resenting myself for it.
These are important words:
I forgive myself
I forgive myself
I know that what I have done I have done from my own pain.
Self-worth comes from inside oneself. Meaning of one’s life comes from inside oneself.
I send love to the Earth, to all the living beings on this planet. This includes me.
I know my armor will crack and I will be able to hold myself in my heart and rejoice.